Legends of Eating: The Tim Tam Straw

A Tim Tam is an Australian chocolate-covered biscuit which is one of the tastiest snacks in the entire world. All you suckers stuck eating Oreos have no idea what you're missing out on and I have the same sort of pity I would have if I saw a pre-fire caveman struggling to eat a TV dinner. Which is a lot of pity.

You can find Tim Tams, of course, on the internet - if you don't happen to be lucky enough to be living on the dying continent. I found a box in our local store for the bourgeoisie (the woman in front of me in line was buying an egg-poacher for perfect poached eggs: poached eggs are what the Booge do to eggs) and was so excited that I actually screamed out loud. I'm now midway through spreading the good news to EVERYBODY I know. And midway through my second pack.

You can't just eat a Tim Tam. I mean, it'd be fine plain. But you'd be missing out on half the fun.

What you do with a Tim-Tam is this:
1) Get yourself a hot beverage, preferably some creamy coffee or, my fave, peppermint tea.
2) Bite off the ends of the Tim Tam.
3) Put mouth over one of the exposed ends. Stick the other exposed end into the hot beverage.
4) Suck until the outside of the Tim Tam gets soggy.

Now what happens is first, the hot beverage tastes incredibly chocolaty and wonderful through the Tim Tam Straw. But that, as the philosophers say, is just an instrumental good. What you do next is take the soggy Tim Tam and eat it. If you're following along at home, kids, you're going to want to pause and breathe. Remember. BREATHE. That's better. Tasty, right?

What happens is the hot beverage melts the chocolate outside and inside, and the whole thing just explodes in your mouth in a squishy, rich mess when you bite into it. There's nothing like it.

Try it. You won't regret it.


PROJECT: If you happen to live in a country where Tim Tams are plentiful, eat an entire pack and document your progress with digital photos. Then send the beauty to me & you'll become an internet celebrity. Hooray!